Two weeks ago, Billboard held its first and likely last festival at Nikon at Jones Beach. A crowd of Long Islanders were hoping to cap off the summer with Nicki Minaj and Justin Bieber. What they got was the most dysfunctional event in this writer’s recent memory.
The day started off inauspiciously enough. At the end of his thirty minute set, midway through ‘Trap Queen’ Fetty Wap dove into the crowd. He apparently hadn’t noticed that his Long Island fan base consisted of mostly pre-teens who lacked the requisite muscular definition. Piercing screams indicated that not all was well: the crowd couldn’t support him and in falling he crushed two girls into the barricades.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “I didn’t mean for it to go down like that.” After security dragged him back onto the stage he sang the hook one last time.
After wading through a funnel-like human chokepoint, I confronted a ten-minute line to enter the designated drinking zone. Only problem? All the bars were closed. Apparently the Fire Marshall was to blame. “I’ve never seen this happen before,” said a longtime bartender. “They’re screwing me out of my tips and I hope someone gets fired.” The only stand making sales was the Guy Fieri-branded barbecue tent.
The Chainsmokers, a New York-based DJ duo that seems really proud to make Las Vegas pool party soundtracks, at one point asked girls to get on their guys’ shoulders. Thirty seconds later, they realized they had made a mistake and then made the most humanitarian request of the entire festival. “Get down from the guys’ shoulders, it’s hot as fuck and you’re gonna choke your man.”
Making my way back from the ‘Samsung Stage’ to the bar, in the vain hope that the taps had started to flow, I hit another human funnel. But this time, a tour van and Toyota Acura were trying to drive though the packed crowd to get to the main stadium’s VIP parking area. The one security guard trying to facilitate the process would not have made a very good Moses. I asked him if this was the most dysfunctional event he had ever worked. “Yeah, probably.”
Given that the venue was at Jones Beach, it would have been nice during the 80+ degree day to take a swim. After all, one of the three stages was named ‘Beach’ and just ten yards behind it you could see mostly empty sand encircling Zach’s Bay. But of course Billboard didn’t think to or couldn’t manage to cordon off a small section of beach or allow for reentry. “Yeah you can go swimming,” said an usher. “But you sure as hell can’t come back.”
Sweaty and sober, I made my way into the main stadium for the headliners: Kygo, Nicki Minaj, Skrillex, and Justin Bieber. The loudest crowd response in Kygo’s set was for ‘Don’t Stop Believing.’
Nicki’s mic broke three songs into her set. She came out a few minutes later shooting daggers at the festival staff standing on the edges of the stage. Later, she said, “If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s a lazy ass bitch. Don’t be lazy, I want you to go to school, get a job, have a career, and don’t ever depend on a man for shit.” “But her tits though,” a teen in my section screamed.
Before Skrillex came on, one of the tweets projected onto the stage hoped that his performance would “turn my life around.” When he played Jay-Z’s ‘Top Ford,’ the entire almost uniformly white crowd didn’t skip any words when it came time to scream “clap for a nigga with his rapping ass.” For the record I thought his set was pretty solid.
At one point, a ten year old girl and her seven year old sister wandered lost across my aisle. Their parents had sent them to the bathroom alone and they couldn’t find their way back.
I overheard another teen saying, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, it’s Adderall: you’re not supposed to feel anything.”
Finally, Justin came out. His mic also broke. In his intro for ‘Be Alright,’ he let us know that “I wrote this song when me and my guitarist were in Bali and I was missing my girl at the time. I think we can all relate to this song.” Halfway through he stopped singing. “That’s where I forget the words and that’s where you pick up.”
At one point he brought out a skateboard and did an ollie on stage. “Do you guys want some new music?” he asked, after having released teasers on social media over the past few weeks. “Well, I’m gonna play something old.”
I left before Justin took his shirt off to beat the line to the bus. One teen said to another, “I want to get with that girl and I want all you guys to snap it.” Let’s hope that that snap never happened, and that Billboard will never again put on a festival. Though live shows may be the music industry’s financial salvation, this sort of thing should be left to the professionals.